THE FOUR PILLARS OF SHARED MEANING

(Week 7)

​For those of you who have no idea what my title is referring to, no worries. Unless you have read Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I’m sure that it won’t make any sense. What does “shared meaning” even mean and how does it relate to eternal families? Well, keep reading, my friends, because these four pillars will make a HUGE difference in any marriage/family relationship.

SHARED MEANING

​According to Dr. Gottman, even if you have a stable and happy marriage, chances are you might be asking yourself, “Is that all there is?” (Gottman 260). He goes on to say that “marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together” (Gottman 260). In other words, you are able to create your own family culture with your own traditions, rituals, and myths. You work together to have this shared meaning. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree on everything, but it does mean that you mesh ideas and dreams to create a culture within your family that can grow and develop over the years.
            Dr. Gottman shares four “critical mainstays of shared meaning” that if built together by couples, they can “enrich their relationship and family life” (Gottman 263). To those four pillars of shared meaning, I would also like to add this counsel from prophets and apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ as found in the document, “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”:

​“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (Family para 7).

PILLAR ONE: RITUALS OF CONNECTION

By creating rituals, or structured routines, that your family enjoys and can depend on, you create “a powerful antidote to [the tendency for us to disconnect with one another]” (Gottman 263). Some examples of rituals of connection could include:

• Eating dinner (or other meals) together as a family on a regular basis
• Going on weekend outings
• Holiday traditions
• Birthday traditions
• Basically, any event that is structured, planned, and not haphazard

For our family, one of the best rituals of connection that we have to combat the tendency to ignore one another is that of having dinner together. Now that our kids are older and off doing different activities, it is a struggle sometimes to make this happen, but we do the best we can and I think our kids appreciate that. 

PILLAR TWO: SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER'S ROLES

​Like it or not, we all have roles to play in this life--parent, child, spouse, worker, volunteer, etc. “From the standpoint of marriage,” Dr. Gottman says, “our perspective on our own roles and our mate’s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension” (Gottman 265-66). Just to be clear, we’re not talking about superficial issues “like who washes the dishes, we’re talking about your deep expectations of yourself and your spouse” (Gottman 266). For example:

• Do you share similar views in your roles as parents?
• Do you have similar views about what it means to be a good friend to others?
• Do you have similar philosophies about balancing work and family life?

​Deeper level stuff…not “she washes the dishes because she’s the wife” kind of stuff. That’s a subject for a whole other post indeed. 😊

PILLAR THREE: SHARED GOALS

Hopefully you have personal goals…everyone should. Goals are what help us get from point A to point Z and everywhere in between.
​There are practical goals such as having a certain job, owning a home, etc., but there are also “deeper, more spiritual aspirations” that help us become who we are meant to be (Gottman 268). According to Dr. Gottman, “not only will you increase the intimacy of your marriage by sharing your deepest objectives with your spouse, but to the extent that you work together to achieve shared goals, they can be a path toward making your union even richer” (Gottman 268).

Some of the shared goals that Mark and I have are:

*serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints together

*supporting each other in our personal goals

*talking things through instead of harboring resentment towards one another

*putting the Savior first in all that we do so that as we each come closer to Him, we draw closer together.

PILLAR FOUR: SHARED VALUES AND SYMBOLS

Values are what dictate the choices we make. For some people, these values come from a place of religious conviction, but that doesn’t mean that religious people are the only people with values. “Often, a couple’s shared values and beliefs are represented by symbols” and these symbols can be actual objects or something more intangible (Gottman 269). Some examples of tangible objects could include a crucifix as a symbol of faith, or something of a more personal nature to the couple such as a special piece of furniture or figurine (Gottman 269-70).
​Symbols of a more intangible nature include what a couple’s home means to them or a special family story that reflects “deeply entrenched values” (Gottman 271).

As I thought about some of the shared values and symbols that Mark and I have, I immediately thought about the temple. Our religious values are extremely important to us and we learn so much about them when we attend the temple. The temple is also the place where we were married. When I think about the temple, particularly the Salt Lake Temple, it symbolizes my love for Mark and helps me remember why we got married in the first place.

IN CONCLUSION:

​After studying these four pillars and Dr. Gottman’s seven principles of marriage, I can say with 100% honesty that it has made a huge difference in how I approach my marriage and in the relationship that Mark and I have together. I am grateful for him and for the opportunity I have to be married to him, not only for this earth life, but throughout all eternity. 

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Works Cited:

"Family: A Proclamation to the World." (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.